Thank you everyone who has contributed to this post. While it wasn't written in a poetic nor sophisticated fashion, neither was the follow-up post (which I decided to delete because it feels like a 15-16 year old's writing to some readers), this truly has been how I felt at the moment of writing. Bro Williamshakespear got it right and I quote:
Quote:
|
no Human wants to live a lonely life. It is our weakness, & thus easily exploited by others thru our weaknesses, more so for those whom have ulterior motives such as monetary gain, eg-insurance agents.
|
I guess he pretty much sums up my experience during these few weeks of "turmoil".
Being infatuated at the start due to special services provided already has a lot to do with me feeling lonely and my level of self-esteem. Truth be told, I have no friends, partly by choice, let alone female counterparts. The jealousy when she posts moments of gifts given by other customers and pictures of her sitting in another customer's car, probably have to with naivety, thinking I'm the special one.
Although I've been active in this scene for a number of years now, I still don't have the maturity to deal with my own emotions, and resorted to chionging even more, even her roommate (probably the biggest waste of money to date), just to get over her. In hindsight, I don't know how finding her roommate would have made me feel better, maybe an avenue for us to find things to quarrel about hence easier to let go perhaps.
Sadly the roommate incident actually made me feel even worse about myself. I do feel like a bad person, provoking her in such a way when all she's done is giving me extras and never asking for more. Don't get me wrong, I do tip her. Call me cheapskate, sheltered, whatever you want, but I always give whatever amount I could give.
But if the intended outcome was to get over her, I'd say visiting the roommate to some extent was money well-spent. Her taking the mickey out of me on Vday, and blaming me further for not waiting an hour for her really pissed me off. And the final straw was in order to make up to her for all the misdeeds I've committed, I'd pay her rent, take her out for a meal and buy her presents. Yea I'm cheapskate, but I was staring down the long road of ruin, considering my own circumstances.
I'm not sure if she ever said anything after I told her I won't be taking her out that night, because I logged out of my wechat for a few days, and understand that wechat only keep unread messages for up to 3 days or something. All I can say is, I think I'm in a better place now. Though not totally out of the woods, cos I do think of those 'special moments' every now and then. But I'm slowly coming to terms that this is something not worth pursuing. Us not talking since then and her not replying to my comments on her moments have helped as well.
At this precise moment, I do feel bad for (1) provoking her by visiting the baby elephant roommate and (2) not making it up to her by paying her rent, take her shopping etc. Wonder if I should just let it go and disappear or give another apology and then disappear.. At the end of the day I do want to wish her well, though visiting her again is unlikely..